“I retired at the end of my freshman year [in college] when I realized that I no longer  liked not being able to go out with my friends so I could get up at 5 o’clock in the morning to go skating,” is the way one young girl looked at the importance of being with her friends..

Life is short.  Friends come and go.  But the reality is that many times we look to friends for answers and forget about family until later in life and wonder if we should have paid more attention to what our family said. Heard the saying, “You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your family?”  For those who question that, think who chose your family? Does God make mistakes?

In 1997, Judith Harris wrote a book call “The Nurture Assumption,” stating that genetic and peer influence trump parental nurture.  She asks “Do parents have any important long-term effects on the development of their child’s personality,” and after examining the evidence, she concluded “no.”  Then what am I doing?

At a recent national conference for African-American male, Dr. Billy Close, an assistant professor at Florida State University stated the most important thing that an African-American male can lay claim is his name and his domain.  Think about that.  Think about what your name is, what it means and what a struggle it is for black men to hold on to a ‘good’ name.  It’s a name given to you by your ancestors.  Its meaning has a heritage. A good name is worth more than silver or gold, and a good name can sustain you just like a bad name can smother you.

Black males deal with many stereotypes and labels, and many of these stereotypes become handles many of us can’t get rid.  It’s a constant battle to fight for truth, justice and the name we so dearly love to keep it honest, worthy of honor as we must remember we are known as much by what we do as the company we keep.  Indeed, a good name is should be as revered as good friends and not necessary friends like the ones mentioned in today’s quote as we should realize who we become is as much determined by who we are with. We should be ever conscious that society has already labeled black men as losers, lazy, and dumb.  Do any of those names sound like the names your mothers, fathers or teachers called you?

In ‘Letters to a Young Brother,’ Hill Harper of CSI: New York, tasked young black brothas’ with writing down the definition of a friend. He was once told if he could define what it is he needed in a friend,, he could allow someone to be that for him and more importantly, he could “learn to be that” for himself.  I too would like young men to do that.  Take the time to write down what you think a true friend is.

As Harper relates, “many times we have people in our lives who we call ‘friends,’ but they don’t fit our description.  They should be called acquaintances.”  Friends don’t hold you down.  Friends encourage you. Friends are not jealous of you; rather they wish the best for you. Friends are your family when you don’t have one.  Today a lot of young men are confused as they see being liked as a misrepresentation of what it takes to succeed.

A friend wants you to succeed as your name becomes swollen by the people you surround yourself.  People know more about you by the company you keep than the crib you live in.  People know more about you by the people who ‘roll’ with you than by the money in your pocket.  People simply know more about you based on who you do things with, than by the name your mom or dad gave you.  Remember that! Choose wisely.  Some friends are only around to see you fail, and when that happens, they simply mark you off.  They only want what they can get.  Think about it.

And think about the potential you have for the home you live.  Where you live and how you live speak volumes about who you are, or who you plan to be.  Is your room neat?  Why not?  Maybe because you see it as someone else’s.  But I bet you don’t call it your parent’s room.  Even when you go to college, you don’t refer to it as a dorm room, it’s your room.  How are you keeping your room?  How are you keeping your life?

Though much of what I’ve written in this article refers to youths, the same relates to the parents of these youths.  Do you know who your friends are?  Do you care where you live and how you live?  Our parentage as well as our lineage is as much defined by name and domain as they are for the next generation’s caring for our country.  Choosing friends carefully and keeping our houses well maintained says volumes to our kids as their friends say about the children we have raised.

Dr. Billy Close was one of eleven children.  He grew up in the south at a time when he was born, the only way a black person could be treated in a hospital was they had to pay first, or treatment was refused.  Because of that, his twin sister died at birth because the hospital wouldn’t treat them.  Sad story, but a legacy he maintains by making sure his student remember our parents worked hard to give us what we have.

Parents need to remind their sons and daughters the same thing as we try to help them make the right decision and not fall prey to the notion that no matter what we do peers will nurture our children to become men and women.  Don’t you believe it! And don’t you believe there is no such thing as ‘guilt by association.’  Our penal system is a reminder that being in the wrong place with the wrong people at wrong time can put you in jail.

Here’s a surprise to this week’s admonition that friends’ influence may dissuade greatness.  The young lady mentioned in the first paragraph happens to be Condoleezza Rice.  She may have been 17 when she chose to stop skating.  But she didn’t stop college.  Get them there with a firm belief in themselves and you too may have a Secretary of State eating dinner with you tonight.

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.”
Norman Cousins