Holiday times are full of memories. The music, decorations, lights, and fragrances can instantly bring back memories of joy—or pain. Are you hurting this holiday season? Has your life changed in some radical way? Do you know someone who is hurting? What can you do?
When someone you love dies, even when you have strong faith and confidence that your loved one is at peace and experiencing joy in the presence of the Lord, your grief can be intense. The mortal part of you can deeply miss the conversations, smiles, hugs, and opportunities to give and receive love from the one who is gone.
The Christmas season is a time when many Christians celebrate Jesus’ birth and rejoice in his gift of Life by giving gifts. We put special effort into thinking of those nearest and dearest, considering plans to be together and thoughtful gifts. We also enjoy being remembered. The emphasis on family times underscores the absence of loved ones.
About Grief
If you are grieving, you may be wondering, “What’s normal?” or “How do I cope?” If you are reading this article because you are grieving a recent loss you may be experiencing a multitude of feelings, or you may be in shock and feel numb. Just a few “normal” early grief experiences include difficulty with memory, learning, and planning, insomnia, appetite changes, sudden, unexpected, overwhelming, knee- buckling feelings of sorrow, anger, and helplessness. These moments become fewer as time goes on. If your loved one died after a long, painful illness, you may feel relieved that his or her suffering is over.
These feelings are as normal and natural as the feeling of pain when you touch a hot stove. In time, with faith, perseverance, and abiding love, you will grow stronger because of this pain, just as a weight lifter builds strength with heavier weights.
You might be feeling survivor’s guilt. “Why didn’t I die, instead of him or her?” is one example. A number of combat veterans experience this painful feeling. If this is your grief, ask yourself, “If I had died instead, would I want my brothers in arms to feel the way I do? What would I want for them?”
Coping with Grief During the Christmas Season
If you have experienced a recent loss that has shattered your heart and the hearts of others in your family, considering doing something new this holiday season. Families sometimes break out of the normal holiday routine to take a trip, or offer service to those less fortunate. Of course, hearts remain heavy, but new memories and moments of laughter, love, and joy are possible. Here are some additional ideas for coping during the holidays:
• Accept the pain in your heart and remember the shortest verse in the Bible, “Jesus wept.” John 11:35
• Create a “memory space” in your home, with mementos and encouraging scriptures, such as
– The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who
are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
– He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
– Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
– I am able do all things through Christ who gives me
strength. Philippians 4:13
– Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
• Have a specific plan for activities on the days you think will be the most difficult
• Create a special ornament, wreath, Christmas tree, or flower arrangement in memory of your loved one
• Have a “talking circle” time, from the Native American tradition, to share stories about your loved one with others
• Take care of yourself…exercise and eat well
• Reach out to others who are alone
Ministry Tips
Most people do not know what to say or do when a friend or loved one is grieving. My first recommendation is to pray for the opportunity and words to encourage and support someone who is grieving. Second, become familiar with the short list of Do’s and Don’ts below. These simple recommendations are the result of years of feedback from those who grieve.
Do—
• Speak of the deceased
• Ask how they are doing
• Ask what is the hardest part of the day
• Ask how they learned of the death
• Invite them to your home
• Listen and “reflect back” their thoughts
• Check on them on birthdays, anniversaries (including the death date), and, during the first 2 years, check in at least monthly
• If a parent dies with young children, offer practical help to assist with caring for the children and the household
• Send cards in the mail
• Be aware of your own experiences with grief and loss, and recognize when these feelings are “triggered” by another’s loss
• Recognize that loving care does not mean taking on another’s pain…. it does not reduce the other’s pain
• If someone is suicidal, get help for them immediately
Don’t—
• Say you know how they feel—you do not know
• Tell them how they should feel
• Tell your own grief story to them during the early months of grief • Tell them what they should do regarding the deceased’s personal items
• Say that the loved one is better off in heaven or try to explain away their pain
Final Thoughts
The loss of a loved one is painful at any time. The holidays sometimes increase the sense of loss and pain. This is a time to be deliberate, to be thoughtful, and to “love your neighbor as yourself”, remembering the “as yourself” part, too. Be as compassionate toward yourself during this time as you would be toward your neighbor. When your pain blocks out all the light of hope, please give others the opportunity to hold the light for you. Reach out for help before you are overwhelmed with grief. Your church family, pastor, friends, family members, and others may be there for you. If you need more assistance, contact a therapist with expertise in grief counseling.
Mary Lyles, Ph.D. is the founder and CEO of Katy Family Counseling, where she provides confidential, professional, faith-based psychotherapy services for a variety of concerns for adults, children, families, and teens. For more information, visit www.katyfamilycounseling.com or call (832) 576-2526. In addition, she trains other professionals seeking to provide trauma and grief support for children and teens. For more information about children’s grief, visit www.childgrief.org.
